Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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