I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
