When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
