So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
