Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
you made out with another girl for some wings
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
