And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
