You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
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Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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