I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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