I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
What did we do last night that was yellow?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
