There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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