He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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