I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
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