your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
