what day is it and did you see me today?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
