Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
