ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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