I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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