I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize