Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
