i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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