White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
