It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
