fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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