Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
