my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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