I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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