my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
