I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
