rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
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he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
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Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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