Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
