What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
