I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
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Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
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I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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