Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
