my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
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we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
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In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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