Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
