the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
