well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
