Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
