Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
