Just fell off a train. Bad.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
