Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
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I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
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I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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