actually, I'm a sock model
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
