Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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