I love how my cats smell like pot.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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