Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
