i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
