Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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