OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
