I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
