Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
