i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
