matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
