she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
And then my night got REAL pukey
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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