I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
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the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
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I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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