Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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