Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You left your underwear on the fireplace
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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