Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
